Thursday, January 12, 2012

Am I sappy today or what?!?

The older I get the more emotional I have become, really??? Is that fair, I don't think so. Today was a day I fought back tears all day and I am not sure why. Am I going through menopause? Do I have some emotional disorder that comes after having 4 children? Is it the winter blues even though today is the first day that it seems like winter!?! Am I going crazy or am I just a normal momma??

I have been super emotional about my weight. I am at 2 1/2 weeks of working out everyday and making good choices (for the most part, 1-2 slip ups) but I am not seeing the results I want. I don't know if I need to push myself more or what the magic answer is. It is hard to work out and say no to certain foods and still not see the numbers you want. I am sure with time I will results again. However this week it has been super hard to make myself work out. I have put it on Facebook several times so I have accountability. It's like my motivation isn't carrying me to the gym anymore so I have to make a huge effort to get there. This week I needed to see all my hard work pay off and I didn't feel like I did. It's a life long journey so I know the pounds are not going to melt off. I want to be able to lose the weight and keep it off not just for a short while but for a life while.

My mom has been on my mind for a while now too. It has been 6 years since she had her stroke. I don't know how it can seem like yesterday that it happened and seem like it happened so long ago. I love my mom. I love her very much but when she had her stroke things changed. We don't have a close relationship like we used to. I tried. I failed. I still fail... everyday. The person who lives with us isn't my mom. It's not a mother daughter relationship at all. She wants me to check in and tell her where I am at every time I leave the house. She gets mad because I can't not meet her needs, I get mad because she has lost all desire to make things better for herself. My mom has lost a lot since her stroke. Our relationship is more of a caregiver relationship vs a mother and daughter. That makes me sad. I reached out to my parents after the stoke had happened- I prayed everyday that God would heal her and my dad's traveling job would change. The fact she didn't die was a miracle in itself. Because she is not the same mom I had, I have put space between us. I still have this prayer and dream that my mom will become independent and my dad will get a job that she and him can live together again. I want her to have her life back. I want my mom back.

I started an online bible study. It is reading the bible in a year. I am not caught up and it is frustrating me to tears. I read the first 2 chapters of the bible and wanted to stop. I was reading it but I was not comprehending it. I feel like this is something I need to do-it's something I want to do. I finally talked to a friend that works at the church. I told her, "I am an audio learner, so if I am listening to the bible is that the same as reading it?". Am I still accomplishing what I am supposed to. It was good to get support from a person that reading, listening whatever it takes is okay. After my talk, I am ready to start again and get caught up. It's overwhelming to start again.

Next week is the birthday week. My baby peanut is going to be two. I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with her. Two years ago I could not imagine getting to this point fast enough but now that we are here it could slow down just a little. She is already acting like she is two. Mia has been a great role model for her...NOT! She is talking back now, she says, "stop that", and "no, don't want to". Her most recent behavior is taking off her diaper and peeing/pooping everywhere. I even used tape to keep the diaper on and the stinker still managed to take it off. It's sad that she is almost two but in a way I am glad she is almost 2. I have done my time with raising my infants. It's time to turn the page into our next chapter... the toddler years!

Kadyn's birthday is the next day after Kendal's. She will be seven. Her birthday represents so many things to me. We moved into our home 25 days before her first birthday. When we celebrated Kadyn turning one, it was almost as if we were celebrating more then that. We were celebrating a year of her life, buying a new home, a new start for Dustin and I, and a new life for my mom. Her party was simple but meant so much. I will always remember her first birthday- so many milestones.

I think this post was a way to get over my hump of emotional crazies. I feel better opening up- throwing it all out there, and moving on. I don't have time to dwell in my sorrows so I refuse to. My hope and my strength comes from God. I can do everything because of He gives me strength. He will give me strength to make my fitness goals a reality, He will give me strength to love my mom and dad for who they are, He will give me strength to read my bible and study biblical truths, and He will allow me to celebrate my peanuts and not be sad because they are growing up but be happy in watching them grow.

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